Raising happy and healthy kids is one of the most rewarding yet challenging journeys in life. But if you’re a mom who’s carrying the weight of past traumatic experiences, ranging from sexual abuse to childhood trauma, it can feel like an uphill battle.
The good news? You don’t have to let your past impact of trauma define your parenting. By addressing your trauma, you can break the cycle, heal yourself, and create a healthier relationship with your children. Here’s how you can do it.
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Acknowledge Your Trauma and its Impact
The first step in addressing past trauma is acknowledging it. You might think you’ve moved on, but unresolved strong feelings caused by traumatic events can show up in subtle ways—like overreacting to small stressors, poor emotional regulation and mental health, or so on. These behaviors are classic signs of unresolved trauma and can negatively affect your kids, even if you don’t realize it.
Time alone doesn’t heal all wounds. Even if years have passed from the events that harmed you, they can still affect you and your daily life. Take a moment to reflect on your past. What experiences still weigh on you? How do they influence your parenting? Recognizing the connection between your trauma and your actions is the foundation for healing.
For example, when I feel myself boiling with anger after one of my kids ignores my request to do something, I’ve come to recognize that I’m being triggered. I’ve often felt unheard in past relationships, so my out-of-proportion reaction to my kids is not due to their behavior, but to my past trauma. I need to take some time to acknowledge that I feel unheard, and then gently approach my child again (instead of blowing up at her).
Seek Professional Support
You don’t have to do this alone. Therapy can be a game-changer for moms dealing with trauma. A licensed therapist from certified clinics like Jackson House can help you process your emotions, develop coping strategies, and work through unresolved pain. It may take a few tries to find the right therapist, so give yourself time to get to know your therapist but be willing to put in the work required to heal.
Consider therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which are particularly effective for trauma. If cost or accessibility is an issue, look into support groups, online therapy platforms, or community resources.
Remember, seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a step toward becoming the best version of yourself for your kids. Just as you’d see a doctor for physical health concerns, it’s good to see a therapist for mental health concerns.
Practice Self-Compassion
Parenting is hard, and it’s even harder when you’re healing from trauma. Be kind to yourself. You’re not perfect, and that’s okay. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same understanding and patience you’d offer a friend.
When you make a mistake, remind yourself that you’re doing your best. Apologize to your kids and reconnect with them. Celebrate small wins, like staying calm during a tantrum or setting a healthy boundary. Over time, these small victories will add up, helping you build confidence and resilience.
Create a Safe and Predictable Environment
Kids thrive on routine and predictability, especially when their parents are working through tough emotions. Create a stable environment by establishing consistent routines for meals, bedtime, and playtime. This not only helps your kids feel secure but also gives you a sense of control and structure.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath and focus on the present moment. Your kids don’t need a perfect mom—they need a present mom who’s doing her best to create a loving home.
Set Boundaries to Protect Your Energy
Boundaries are essential for any parent, but they’re especially important if you’re healing from trauma. Learn to say no to things that drain your energy or trigger negative emotions. Whether it’s limiting time with toxic people or setting aside quiet time for yourself, boundaries help you preserve your mental and emotional well-being.
Remember, setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. When you take care of yourself, you’re better equipped to take care of your kids. If you’ve grown up in a home with no boundaries, it can be hard to learn to set boundaries. Your therapist or a healthy friend can help mentor you in this. Books like Good Boundaries and Goodbyes or Boundaries along with its workbook can also be valuable.
Build a Support Network
You weren’t meant to parent in isolation. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. This could be friends, family, or other moms who understand what you’re going through. I’ve been blessed to be part of a mom’s group at several of the churches I’ve attended, and it’s made a huge difference for me.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Whether it’s a babysitter for a few hours or a listening ear, having a strong support network can make all the difference.
Teach Your Kids About Emotional Resilience
As you work through your trauma, you have a unique opportunity to teach your kids about emotional resilience. Talk to them about the importance of self-care, healthy coping mechanisms, and seeking help when needed.
For younger kids, this might mean teaching them simple breathing exercises or encouraging them to talk about their feelings. For older kids, it could involve discussing the value of therapy or the importance of setting boundaries. By equipping your kids with these tools, you’re helping them build a strong emotional foundation for life.
Break the Cycle of Generational Trauma
One of the most powerful things you can do as a mom is break the cycle of generational trauma. This means consciously choosing to parent differently than you were parented. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
Start by identifying patterns you want to change. Maybe you grew up in a household where emotions were dismissed, and you want to create a space where your kids feel heard. Or perhaps you experienced harsh discipline and want to practice gentle parenting instead. Every small change you make helps break the cycle and creates a brighter future for your kids.
Practice Mindfulness and Stay Present
Trauma often keeps people stuck in the past, but mindfulness can help you stay grounded in the present. Simple practices like deep breathing, meditation, or journaling can help you manage stress and stay connected to the here and now.
When you’re with your kids, try to be fully present. Put away your phone, make eye contact, and really listen to what they’re saying. These moments of connection are precious and help build a strong bond between you and your children.
Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection
Healing from trauma is a journey, not a destination. There will be good days and bad days, and that’s okay. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Maybe you handled a stressful situation better than you would have in the past, or perhaps you recognized a trigger and took steps to manage it. Remember, you’re not striving for perfection—you’re striving for growth. Every step you take toward healing is a step toward creating a happier, healthier life for yourself and your kids.
Be Patient with the Process
Healing from trauma takes time, and that’s okay. Be patient with yourself and trust the process. There will be setbacks, but every step forward is a victory.
Remember, you’re not just healing for yourself—you’re healing for your kids. By addressing your trauma, you’re creating a legacy of love, resilience, and emotional health that’ll benefit generations to come.
Address Triggers Head-On
Triggers are inevitable when you’re healing from trauma, but they don’t have to control you. When you notice a trigger, take a moment to pause and reflect. What’s causing this reaction? How can you respond in a way that aligns with your values as a parent?
For instance, if your child’s tantrum triggers feelings of helplessness, remind yourself that tantrums are a normal part of development. Take a few deep breaths, and respond with calm and compassion. Over time, you’ll become more skilled at managing triggers, which will benefit both you and your kids.
Foster a Growth Mindset
Healing from trauma is a process, and it’s important to approach it with a growth mindset. This means viewing challenges as opportunities to learn and grow, rather than as setbacks.
Encourage your kids to adopt a growth mindset too. Praise their effort rather than their innate abilities, and remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes. This mindset fosters resilience and a love of learning, which will serve them well throughout their lives.
Prioritize Physical Health
Your physical health plays a crucial role in your emotional well-being. When you’re healing from trauma, it’s especially important to take care of your body. This means eating nutritious foods, getting regular exercise, and prioritizing sleep.
Exercise, in particular, can be a powerful tool for managing trauma. Activities like stretching, walking, or dancing can help release pent-up tension and boost your mood. Plus, involving your kids in physical activities can be a fun way to bond and stay healthy together.
Celebrate Your Strengths
It’s easy to focus on what you’re struggling with, but don’t forget to celebrate your strengths. You’ve already overcome so much, and that’s something to be proud of. Maybe you’re a great listener, or you have a knack for making your kids laugh. Whatever your strengths are, acknowledge them and let them shine.
When you focus on your strengths, you build confidence and resilience. This positive energy spills over into your parenting, creating a more joyful and nurturing environment for your kids.
Create a Vision for the Future
Healing from trauma isn’t just about addressing the past—it’s about creating a vision for the future as well.
What kind of mom do you want to be? What kind of life do you want to create for your family? Take some time to reflect on these questions and write down your goals. They don’t have to be grand or elaborate—they just need to resonate with you.
Having a clear vision can motivate you to keep moving forward past complex trauma from years back, even on tough days.
Practice Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a key part of the healing process, but it’s not easy. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting past distressing events or excusing harmful behavior—it means releasing the hold that past pain has on you. This might involve forgiving yourself, forgiving others, or both.
Start by acknowledging the hurt and allowing yourself to feel it. Then, consider how holding onto this pain affects your life and your parenting. Forgiveness is a process, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time.
Embrace Imperfection
Being a parent in one’s daily life is messy, and that’s okay. You don’t have to be perfect to be a great mom. In fact, embracing imperfection can be incredibly freeing. When you let go of the pressure to be perfect, you create space for authenticity and connection.
Remember, your kids don’t need a flawless mom—they need a mom who loves them, supports them, and shows up for them. And that’s exactly what you’re doing.
Addressing past trauma while raising happy kids is no small feat, but it’s one of the most powerful things you can do as a mom. By acknowledging your trauma, seeking support, practicing self-compassion, and so on, you can break the cycle and create a nurturing environment for your children.
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