Woman to Woman: why moms need other moms

One of the things that stood out to me in reading Rediscovering Birth was how often, in other countries around the world, childbirth becomes a gathering of women—the birthing woman surrounded by her closest friends and family. It seems typical of our North American society that we labour relatively alone; most women I know have only their husbands and perhaps a doula with them, other than the doctor and nurses. While I’ve been contemplating my pregnancies, I’ve come to appreciate the support of other women during birth.

Fellow Moms Offer Encouragement

I spent several hours on the phone with some of my mommy friends in the last week before Lily was born. One of my friends, whose daughter is the same age as Sunshine, has also battled a hospital to have the natural childbirth experience she wanted. We were on the same page about avoiding interventions and so her support and understanding of my stress and fear about what could happen at the hospital were a huge encouragement.

In my journey as a mom, I’ve realized that it makes a big difference to have other women beside me who’ve walked a similar path to mine. I was the first among my friends to get married and have a baby, and it was a very lonely experience for me. Suddenly I had very little in common with my group of girlfriends; while they wanted to support me, they had no idea what I was dealing with. I realized that I need other moms. And as I’ve walked through other struggles in motherhood, it’s helped over and over again to find my “tribe”—the other women who know this particular struggle and can hear me when I worry about it but also offer their own perspective and tried-and-true tips.

This is also what I seek to do here on theKoalaMom.com. I’m not an expert; I’m just another mom who has learned a few things from my own experience, and I hope to share that with you. If some of what I says resonates with you, and makes your journey as a mom easier, then the time I’ve spent pouring my heart out onto my keyboard is worth it. Just as I’ve been encouraged by my mom friends, I want to encourage you.

Choosing a Birth Doula

I waffled until the last minute about whether or not to get a doula for Lily’s birth, feeling at first that she’d be another stranger in the birthing room. The day before I went into labour, I decided another support person would be helpful, and so I called a doula my mother-in-law knew. She was not only available, but extremely excited to be asked to help. While there were times when I laboured alone or pulled into “labour-land,” I knew she and my husband were there, ready to give me support or to offer comfort measures.

In Canada’s healthcare system, it’s unfortunately common that women don’t know who their care providers will be when they go to the hospital. For Sunshine’s birth, I’d met all the midwives who might be on call when I went into labour. For Lily’s birth, I hadn’t met either the nurses or the doctor ahead of time. The strange people and the strange situation, when I’m in a very vulnerable state, aren’t conducive to trust or calm. I was able to meet my doula ahead of time, to build trust with her, so that in the hospital, I had two trusted people with me to help me feel a sense of support even in an unfamiliar environment.

Long-distance Support

My biggest source of support for Lily’s birth came from a place entirely unexpected: a blog buddy. I first started reading Nat’s blog shortly after I began my own blog. Her daughter is a bit older than Sunshine and we share an interest in natural childbirth, among other things. While my first birth experience was everything I wanted it to be (at the time), Nat’s was everything she didn’t want.

When she read about my birth frustrations on my blog and emailed me, I was more than happy to chat. She shared information and advice she had gathered in her birth journey, helping me process my questions and worries and challenging me to demand the birthing experience I wanted.

As my due date approached and I grew more worried about the doctor’s threat to induce, Nat dropped a package in the mail for me. Unfortunately, Lily arrived before the package, which came the Monday after her birth. As I read it, I was moved by her eloquence and thoughtfulness. When she first talked about birthing beads on her blog, I thought “neat but whatever.” Now, as she sent me my own set, I realized how powerful they could be, how much it would have meant to wear them during labour, to have that visual reminder of another woman’s support and prayers during the toughest times of the birthing.

The moms who become your village may not be the moms you expect them to be. I’ve been encouraged and supported by moms like Nat whom I only know online; moms who are older than me and yet invest in me and my children; moms next door to me and moms at church and moms at playgroup. Be willing to make new friends, to share yourself with others and to listen to their story, and you will find the moms you need.