We often hear that divorce is hard on kids. However, that statement is not completely true. What makes divorce hard (or not) on the kids is how the parents handle it. While transitions are often difficult for everyone involved, there are ways to help your kids through this transition so that everyone comes out happier and healthier afterward.
Lawyer and family mediator Emma Heptonstall notes, “Yes, divorce is stressful for children, as it is for you. It’s a major upheaval to their home, their routines, their family structure. It can raise a lot of strong feelings. But it doesn’t have to have a negative impact in the long term. If handled sensitively your divorce is a way to model to your children that it’s possible to come through difficult situations and feel stronger as a result.”
One way to start conversations about divorce with your children is through books. These books can help introduce tough conversations or give your kids a sense that someone understands them and what they are going through. Kids who are holding their parents at arms’ length due to their struggles in this time may be willing to read a book and learn from someone else. Here’s a list of kids’ books about divorce that may help your kids weather this season of their lives.
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a kids book about divorce
Single mom Ashley Simpo’s book is intended to be read together, by a parent and child ages 5 plus. In her intro, she notes, “Talking about divorce can feel incredibly awkward and even painful. It’s one of those things that can’t be avoided and if done wrong could have lasting effects. With all that pressure, sometimes parents are stuck searching for the right words and kids are lost in concepts far beyond their young comprehension. Things like heartbreak and joint custody feel impossible to explain. This book will hopefully help to make this conversation a bit easier. You’re not alone on this new journey, after all. Plenty of us are right here with you, and we’re all going to be fine.”
a kids book about divorce is entirely text, with a few words or sentences per page, and a few words in bright colours. She introduces herself and brings up some of the questions kids may have about divorce. She defines marriage for kids, and then divorce. She tells kids its okay to have big feelings about their parents’ divorce, to ask questions, to not understand. She talks about some of the things that may change after a divorce and why divorce may happen. Then she points out that good things happen with divorce too.
This book is a great way to open the conversation with younger children about how your divorce will affect them and what questions they may have. Ashley includes an outro that suggests a few other things to discuss with your children. She wants “all kids with divorced or separated parents [to] know that their family is beautiful, loving and valid—and to know that there is more than 1 way to be a family.”
We Need to Talk about Divorce
Psychotherapist Kate Scharff’s chapter book dives deep into everything kids may experience in a divorce. We Need to Talk about Divorce: an important book about separation, stepfamilies, and feeling heard has 28 chapters on divorce, two homes, whose at fault, parents arguing, special occasions, stepparents and stepsiblings, new normal, and more. Bright illustrations and comic-style drawings accompany her words, making it more accessible for kids ages 9 plus.
Kate says, “My mom and dad got divorced when I was about your age, and I had a very tough time. A big part of the reason I became a psychotherapist was to help kids and parents minimize the pain of divorce. I’m not saying this time in your life will be easy—you wouldn’t believe me anyway. But while your parents’ divorce will always be a sad memory, there are lots of things you and they can do to make sure it isn’t a bad turning point in your life. In fact (and I know this might not seem possible right now), divorce has more than one silver lining. Once things have settled down and life feels more ordinary, you might be surprised to find yourself happier in ways you didn’t expect.
We Need to Talk about Divorce continues this conversational style throughout, as if Kate is a big sister or favourite aunty whom kids can trust and confide in. She acknowledges the emotional roller coaster of divorce, encourages kids to talk about what they feel, explains what divorce is, and goes into some of the big questions kids may be feeling. Her book helps to normalize all the feelings, confusion and questions that kids (and parents) may be facing during this time, and to assure kids that this is not their fault.
If your tween is reluctant to talk to you, try just offering this book (or leaving it around the house) to let them explore on their own. Read the book first (it’s a good resource for parents too!) and then let your child know you’re happy to talk if they want (but don’t pressure).
For faith-based parents: one illustrations shows a boy asking a woman why she can’t just talk things through with Mommy. “Divorce rituals” discusses Jewish, Buddhist and other ceremonies that acknowledge divorce, including noting that Jewish “gets” are granted to same-gender and nontraditional couples.
I have a question about divorce
Authors Arlen Grad Gaines and Meredith Englander Polsky acknowledge that “Divorce is a difficult topic for any parent to explain to a child, perhaps even more so when the child has Autism Spectrum Disorder or other special needs. Many of these children process information in a concrete manner, prefer established routines, and need support understanding and interpreting emotions. This book reflects real questions that children have asked as they are learning about their parents’ decision to divorce. As an introduction to the topic, we hope that the book will lay the foundation for future conversations.”
I have a question about divorce is written from a first-person autistic child’s POV and would be great for special needs kids or children ages 5 plus. It begins with simple, factual statements about the child’s life and then introduces questions the child has about divorce, and what answers are learned. The child acknowledges that he (or she) likes having answers to questions, but not all questions have easy answers (like “why are my parents getting divorced?”). He learns some things will change (and his parents will help let him know about these changes) and some things will stay the same.
The text is accompanied by simple, stick-figure illustrations. The “I” in the story is deliberately genderless to be more inclusive, and the book often refers to “parents” rather than “mom and dad.” At the back of the book, the same story is rewritten with less text, for kids who need more pictures and fewer words. There’s also two pages of suggestions for parents and caregivers to support a child through the process of divorce.
Why Don’t We All Live Together Anymore?
Written by two doctors, Why Don’t We All Live Together Anymore?: Big issues for little people after a family break-up is intended to help parents start conversations with their younger kids. Each spread features a large illustration and simple question on one page, with a short story to read aloud, suggested questions, and conversation pointers for parents on the other side. The intro explains to parents how to use this book to help “talk through common issues in childhood.”
The authors say, “In this book, we aim to explain why a child may be asking these questions, and why questions are important in shaping a child’s brain and their understanding of the world. We will offer advice on how to respond (and why your answers matter!), and how to manage the emotions that may come with these discussions.”
The introduction explains how a child’s behaviour is connected to their developing brain and why what we say to our children is important. They note that questions “may be less about obtaining factual information … but instead be an attempt to convey some basic concern or emotion, such as anxiety or confusion.” They stress that answers should be age-appropriate and discuss why good communication is important during times of stress and transition.
They also add, “Don’t assume a child is doing just fine simply because she isn’t talking about the divorce or asking what you might think are obvious questions. Periodic ‘check-ins’ offering opportunities to talk and ask questions, while not insisting the child talk, can leave the door open for further conversation when the child is ready.” Why Don’t We All Live Together Anymore? is a great way to explore your kids’ questions with stories about other kids who are wondering the same things they may be wondering.
One Day at a Time
Rachel Ip’s book uses storytelling to show how divorce affects two children and how they find healing. One Day at a Time: a story about healing from divorce follows two siblings in the year after their parents’ divorce. Robin, the older brother, talks with all his friends and asks a lot of questions. Poppy, the younger sister, turns to silence and doesn’t want her friends to know what’s happening. The text focuses on the children’s experiences, allowing readers to connect with their own emotions and think about how they feel about the changes in their own lives.
One Day at a Time includes an end note by two psychologists that encourages parents to continue these conversations.
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