I grew up in a conservative Christian home with parents who believed firmly in sheltering their children from any “secular” and “worldly” influences. While I no longer agree with that approach (because the isolation it created led to other problems), I do understand that there are big, difficult topics in our world that are hard for young children to consider. Instead of trying to shelter my children, I try to decide what is age-appropriate for them to learn about. This isn’t the same for each of my children, as some have very gentle, shy personalities that have led me to wait to bring up certain difficult topics with them. One way we have approached controversial subjects is through stories.
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Creating Discussions around Stories
We love reading books and watching movies together. I’ve done a lot of read-alouds with my children, as well as audio books, and often we’ve all read the various books in our home. Conversations here are full of references to favourite books or movies (and sometimes, if we haven’t all read that book or movie, I have to remind a child that references only work when everyone understands them). Because I’m a former English major, I still tend to analyze and criticize the entertainment we consume, and I’ve passed that ability on to my children. If you watch a movie with us, be prepared for the discussion to follow it (or the raucous dance party during the credit music).
Discussing difficult, controversial, or tough subjects in the context of a book or movie allows us to turn it into a non-judgemental case study. There is less likely to be personal triggers associated with a case study, as we are discussing an arms-length, third party. For example, talking about how Ramona feels like her mother loves her older sister more than her in Ramona and Her Mother may help another child who is dealing with this but doesn’t have the words to express it. In Because of the Rabbit, Emma is given a choice between telling a lie to keep her rabbit or being honest by attempting to return the rabbit to its previous owner, which let us talk about lying.
Because my kids are now used to discussing everything we watch or listen to, often I don’t have to start these discussions. They may ask a question like, “Why would she do that?” or “Why didn’t he do this?” If we’re doing an audio book or a read-aloud, it’s easy to pause the story to discuss a particular word, description, or action by a character. In movies, we usually try to save discussions for the end, but may also pause the movie to deal with a difficult scene before moving on. At other times, I start the discussion myself by saying something like, “I think she did a good job when she…” or “I didn’t like the scene where he…”
Creating this thoughtful, non-judgemental space to discuss another character’s actions is key to having a good discussion which can then translate into our child’s life. Comments and questions should be kept open and open-minded, with an effort to understand each person (even if we acknowledge that we found a particular character hard to understand). Stories connect deeply with us, and we often identify with a particular character in a book or movie. Even asking, “Which character is your favourite?” can raise some interesting discussions as each person shares which character they connected with and why.
Such discussions encourage an attitude of self-reflection in our children; as we reflect on the actions of the characters in our stories, we also learn to reflect on our own actions and choices. This self-reflection is integral to having a growth mindset, to being able to see our past mistakes and past attitudes and to correct those and do better in the future.
Why I Don’t Like Taboo Topics
In my childhood, many topics and books were considered “taboo.” I wasn’t allowed to read Harry Potter because it contained magic. There were a lot of other books on that “taboo” list, and in my early years as a parent, I continued that tradition of monitoring what my children read. As my children became voracious readers like me, monitoring their reading (and limiting them to books I’d approved) became a lot more difficult. For a time, I relied on recommendations by other moms and trusted sites like Common Sense Media and Read-Aloud Revival. While I still go to those sources, I now trust my older kids to choose their reading material and discuss any difficult topics with me.
These days, I often ask my teenagers if a certain book or movie is okay for their younger siblings. Like me, they know their siblings well, and they also know the values we hold as a family, and they can let me know if there’s a controversial topic in the book. Often, I’ve already discussed that topic with the teenagers, and I can then decide if this is a good time and way to bring that topic up with the younger child, or if that child is not ready to learn about that. That decision to let a child read a book is based more on their age and ability to learn about a particular topic, rather than any “taboo” around that topic.
Our world has a lot of taboo topics, both in Catholic and secular culture. What I learned by growing up in a home where a lot of things were taboo, and a lot of things were swept under the table and not discussed, is that taboos and secrecy create a sense of shame, confusion, and ignorance that is not good. For example, when I was dating my ex-husband, he loved to tease me about my naivety and ignorance on various topics that he was “expert” in thanks to his street kid experience. This created a dynamic in our relationship where he acted smarter or better than me, much like Rolf treats Liesl in Sound of Music. By contrast, a willingness to approach difficult topics factually and with curiosity can abolish this shame and confusion and lead to open discussions.
In our era of abuse scandals, taboos create an environment where abusers are given space to abuse. Having open conversations with our children about their bodies and body parts, puberty, emotions, abuse, and other difficult topics can help them know they can talk about anything with us. When something difficult happens to them, they know they come to us to discuss it and get help. Taboos in our society and churches can often keep victims of various forms of abuse from reaching out for help, whether because they don’t recognize the abuse themselves or they don’t know where to turn for help or who will hear them and acknowledge their abuse. Discussing these topics through stories can help end these taboos.
Examples of Controversial Discussions We’ve Had
Currently, we are working through the Harry Potter series (in book, audio book, and movie form) as a family and thoroughly loving it. There are a lot of things I love about this series, including Harry’s deep friendships, his struggles with the difficult things in his life, and his efforts to do what is best for those around him. There are other times when we’ve yelled at the screen “TELL AN ADULT!!!” or otherwise been frustrated by Harry’s choices. There are clear rules around magic and how the magic is to be used for good rather than evil. Overall, these books have sparked some great discussions about a variety of topics, including bullying (how Draco treats Harry), racism (the attitude of some wizards towards “muggles”), helping others, using our talents well, friendships and romance, talking to an adult about what’s going on in your life, and more.
My children have all listened to Epic, a musical adaptation of Homer’s Odyssey, which obviously brings up some really mature topics. I usually skip certain songs with my younger kids (and even my teens have admitted to skipping those songs, because they are so dark), but we’ve also had some interesting discussions around this story. For example, in the very first saga (spoiler alert), Zeus orders Odysseus to kill Hector’s son, who is only a baby. Odysseus’ actions are only hinted at in this song (and fully revealed later), but this has led us to talk about what to do if an authority figure (boss, teacher, parent) tells us to do something we know is wrong. Of course, it’s easy to say we’d make a different choice than Odysseus, because we have different knowledge and experience than he does, but maybe someday my kids will be in a real-life situation where they’ll have to consider this again, and Odysseus’ choice—and our discussions about that—will help them make the right choice.
Novels like Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry let me discuss racism with my children, while the All-of-a-Kind Family series gave us a glimpse into another family’s religious practices. Wings of Fire raises big issues like war, culture, politics, abuse, family, right and wrong, and more in the context of a dragon fantasy. Insignificant Events in the Life of a Cactus fostered discussions about accepting people for who they are and seeing disability as ability, as the main characters are a girl with no arms and a boy with Tourette’s. Faker was a great story about a boy who realizes that his family’s business in built on lies—and how that affects not only his family but also their friends and communities. Narnia, of course, is a well-beloved classic with faith allegories and moral lessons embedded in it.
More Resources
For more ideas on reading stories with your kids and having great discussions, I recommend checking out these resources:
- Sarah Mackenzie’s Read-Aloud Revival podcast
- The Read-Aloud Family: Making Meaningful and Lasting Connections with Your Kids by Sarah Mackenzie
- Homeschooling, simplified: how to read a book so it becomes the curriculum: developing family centred learning through beautiful literature by Bonnie Landry
I also highly recommend reading fiction for moms to explore various difficult topics through stories. Starting a book club is a great way to foster this sense of discussion and exploration. Mothering By the Book by Jennifer Pepito is a great book that helped me think more about the fiction I’ve read and how it’s influenced me. I also really enjoy reading autobiographies as a way to explore other people’s lives and experiences.
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