My copy of I Kissed Dating Goodbye was dog-eared, the cracks on the spine showing how many times I’d read it. Boy Meets Girl was in better shape, but only because it was a few years newer. Joshua Harris’ ideas reinforced those I’d heard from Bill Gothard and others, but his young-and-hip image and way of conveying the ideas as a peer made it easier to make them mine rather than something pushed on me by my parents.
Harris’ books remained on my shelf through my first wedding and multiple moves. It wasn’t until I began to face the reality of my painful first marriage that I looked at those two books on my shelf and thought, “Maybe they weren’t helpful. Maybe I wouldn’t share those ideas with my daughters.” The books ended up in a pile destined for thrift store, in one of my many attempts to make a very small condo work for our large family.
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Deconstructing “Biblical” Advice from My Teen Years
Over the last year, with the finalization of my divorce and the start of the annulment process in the Catholic Church, I’ve been looking back at my young adult years a bit more critically. It’s been painful to realize that much of the advice I accepted back then as “godly” or “Biblical” really wasn’t. I shaped my life around the teachings of these “Christians” and did my best to please God, and it led to a lot of pain. In reading Tia Levings’ memoir, I found another woman wrestling with this disconnect between who God really is and what men have taught about Him.
Tia mentioned teachers who’ve come under fire for their harmful, unhealthy advice. Joshua Harris, she noted, had unpublished his books and publicly apologized for the harm done by them. Curious, I looked him up online. If my own process of deconstructing what I learned as a young adult and how that shaped my life and marriage has been difficult, what has that process been like for the poster boy of purity culture? He’s now also divorced, living in Vancouver, and still working in marketing.
As I listened to several interviews with Joshua Harris about his change of beliefs, I reconsidered what I’d learned as a teen and why it had stuck with me. Like Harris, I grew up homeschooling in the 80s, when this was uncommon and I was often viewed as playing hooky by grocery store clerks and others whom we ran into during weekday school hours. Unlike Harris, whose parents were leaders in the Christian homeschool movement of the 80s, mine were not involved in our local homeschool group after my dad had a disagreement with the group and swore to have nothing more to do with them. I grew up lonely and isolated, with two friends through high school and no extracurricular activities.
As a teenager, I desperately wanted friends—and a boyfriend. I knew I wanted to be a wife and mom, and the Christian romance novels, as well as Christian teachings I heard from Gothard and others, reinforced this idea. Harris’ books let me spiritualize “waiting” for a boyfriend. It wasn’t that I had no opportunities to meet guys; it was that I was waiting for exactly the right guy. All I had to do was pray hard for him and wait for him to walk into my life. So when only one guy at my university showed any interest in me, it seemed clear that he was the guy I’d been waiting for.
Moving Toward Healthy Relationships
As a woman in my 40s, trying to heal from a failed marriage, start a new relationship, and raise four daughters, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I learned back as a teen and young adult, how that impacted my first marriage, what I did wrong in that relationship, and what I want my girls to know as they start their own relationships (someday).
First, I wouldn’t say “don’t date.” I’ve always encouraged my children not to limit their friend group by either gender or age, and homeschooling has helped them be comfortable with people from a variety of backgrounds. As I watch my girls in high school now, I’m happy that they have a wide group of friends, including both boys and girls their age, as well as kids older and younger than them. We use movies to talk about healthy relationships and what they are looking forward to in a future partner, but at this point, dating isn’t something they are interested in. When it is, we’ll talk more about it.
Second, I think rules need good reasons. Harris’ books (and others from that era) created a lot of fear-mongering that wasn’t based in fact. Much of it was just “this is sin and God will get mad so don’t do that.” That had a deep impact on people-pleasers like me. I accepted those rules without questions simply because they were presented to me as “good,” “Christian,” or “biblical” rules. And honestly, those “rules” didn’t help me in my first relationship. I made assumptions based on those rules, didn’t have conversations with my boyfriend at the time, and got hurt when it became apparent he didn’t agree with those rules. In my new relationship, my partner and I have talked frequently about our past views on relationships, what makes sense for our relationship, and why we’ve set the boundaries and expectations that we have. Those conversations have led us to a deeper relationship, rules for ourselves based on our own values, and to no regrets in our relationship, for which I am very grateful.
Finally, questions are good. I’ve gone through various periods of questioning in my life, and I’m in another. I appreciate others who are also willing to ask hard questions, including Joshua Harris himself. In listening to one podcast about his deconstruction, I was rather amazed to consider that an 18-year-old guy with little life experience and no education was held up as this relationship expert in the Christian community. Yes, Josh can share his own experience of what worked for him (but did it?), but to broadly apply that as life advice for every other Christian teen seems rather presumptuous. We need to ask more questions, not about who is giving the advice but what advice they are giving and whether it is relevant and helpful to our own lives (or not).
Apologies are Good
I deeply appreciate Joshua Harris’ apology. While some may say this isn’t enough for the harm done by his books, he is one of few Christian authors who has apologized and withdrawn his books from publication. Other Christian leaders have taught much more harmful ideas and, despite being confronted with evidence of that harm, hold fast to what they taught. To me, the apology indicates that he is a safe, healthy person who is trying to do his best and willing to learn from his mistakes. I can recognize the factors in my life that made me susceptible to teachings like those in Harris’ books, and the ways in which I was responsible for applying those harmful teachings to my life. It means a lot to have Harris publicly acknowledge that and to be part of the deconstruction process himself, asking questions and trying to find his way again.
If you grew up influenced by Joshua Harris’ books or purity culture teachings, I encourage you to check out his website. Other resources that you may find helpful in deconstructing those and similar teachings include:
- Bare Marriage with Sheila Wray Gregoire, a Christian author strives to get back to healthy, biblical, evidence-based advice for your marriage and your sex life.
- Intentional Today with Ngina Otiende, a marriage coach who examines unhealthy relationship advice and how elevating the marriage institution above individual welfare has harmed us.
- She Deserves Better: Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self, and Speaking Up by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Rebecca Lindenbach
- Recovering from Purity Culture: Dismantle the Myths, Reject Shame-Based Sexuality, and Move Forward in Your Faith by Dr. Camden Morgante
Did you read Joshua Harris’ books as a teen or young adult? Would you say they were a positive or negative influence in your life?
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