Tips for Dealing with Conflict in Your Marriage

When I got married, I was unprepared for dealing with conflict. The arguments we had during our first year of marriage devastated me. How could picture hanging or cooking together be so hard? I’d end up in tears—or on the phone with a friend of mine, telling her what had happened and wondering if I’d made a mistake in getting married.

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How we deal with conflicts, disagreements and decisions has a huge impact on the health and happiness of our relationships. The best marriages are not those in which there is no conflict, but those in which the conflict in handled in a healthy manner by both spouses.

Sometimes, in my anger after an argument, I’ve been guilty of gossiping just to release my pent-up feelings. Of course, only ranting about the problem to someone else never helps solve it (unless that person is a helpful friend or counselor, as in the recommendation below, who will help you find a way to go back to your spouse to resolve the issue).

I also dislike conflict, so I often avoided it rather than facing it. Again, avoiding conflict didn’t help it go away. Often, it only created larger feelings of resentment as one issue after another wasn’t resolved and small issues slowly became bigger issues.

Sometimes, something that is a big issue to one spouse is a non-issue to another spouse. Lisa found that out when she got annoyed at her husband for not putting things away properly in the fridge. She considered several ways to deal with the issue and found a way to solve it creatively. She resolved the problem by calmly explaining her feelings—and then labeling the fridge.

Here are some ways dealing with conflict productively:

1. Journal about it. Writing it down can help you think about it, without hurting anyone. Once you’ve calmed down a bit, you can reread what you’ve written and think about how you could deal with the situation better.
2. Pray about it (and ask the saints to pray for you). Ask God for wisdom and grace in the situation.
3. Decide whether this is an issue that needs to be resolved. Sheila Wray Gregoire from Bare Marriage says, “We call too many things ‘conflict’ that need to be ‘resolved’. We’re blowing some things out of proportion by calling them “conflict”, and we’re minimizing other things at the same time. When we think of conflict, we think of an issue about which you disagree–he sees the world one way, and you see the world another.In those situations, it makes sense to try to figure out how to come to a decision. It makes sense to learn to listen to the other person’s point of view, and to learn to express your own. But the simple fact is that true disagreements, in most marriages, are actually rather rare.”
4. Choose a good time to bring up the topic with your spouse. It doesn’t help to talk about something when you are tired or stressed. Try asking him, “Hey, I’d like to talk about ____ again. When is a good time to do that?”
5. Stay focused on solutions. Take turns presenting your ideas about the problem and listening to each other. Be prepared to consider his viewpoint and to accept that you could both be right (or at least neither of you is wrong), and that some brainstorming can help you both find a workable solution to the problem.

Note: if your husband is not willing to choose a good time to talk about a conflict with you, or refuses to consider your ideas or point of view, or simply blames you for the problem and shuts down, then you will need more help. It’s time to see a counselor. These may also be signs that you are in an abusive relationship, and resources such as Is It Me? may help you find clarity and solutions.

Talk with a friend about your conflict

Sometimes, after a topic has caused conflict, it can be hard to return to that topic to resolve the conflict. You and your husband are emotionally invested in the topic and so discussing it is scary. It might help to talk things over with someone else (a third party who is not emotionally involved) before talking it over with your husband.

Choose one trusted, godly, wise, happily-married friend to whom you can confide. Remember you are confiding in her not to tear down your husband or to justify your side of the argument, but  to get her help in working through this with your husband. She may help you be able to see his side of things or talk through your feelings so that you can better express them to your husband. She can also hold you accountable to talking with him; ask her to ask you in a few days or a week if you resolved the argument.

You may also want to consult a marriage counselor. A marriage counselor is trained to help couples overcome difficulties and work together. They may be able to see things in your relationship that even a close friend can’t see. They may be able to give better advice or more creative solutions than a friend can give.

For example, because I grew up in a family where conflict was not okay, I needed to learn to handle conflict in healthier ways. A counselor helped me to see how those learned childhood patterns were now affecting my marriage, find some healing, and work towards better ways of dealing with conflict in my marriage.

At the end of the day, remember that you’re on the same team and fighting the same enemy. Try to come together to resolve conflicts, rather than letting those conflicts push you further apart.

Need more help in resolving issues in your marriage? I highly recommend:

• The Marriage You Want: Moving beyond Stereotypes for a Relationship Built on Scripture, New Data, and Emotional Health
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert
• The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health, and Happiness in Marriage

How do you and your husband make decisions and resolve disagreements? What has helped you in dealing with conflict?