When I first saw Lisa Welchel’s book Friendship for Grownups, I wasn’t very interested. I kinda wondered how she could write a whole book on friendship. I mean, it’s not that hard—is it?
I should have realized, from all our moves and from my desire to return to Alberta because “our family and friends are all back there,” that friendship is harder than it seems. As I heard Lisa talk at Women of Faith, I found myself thinking hard about what she said.
Lisa shared how she grew up in the ’80s as the lead actress in the TV show The Facts of Life (if you recognize the show, yes, you just revealed your age; I didn’t know the show, but my husband did—he even remembered the name of the girl Lisa played when I described her as “the blonde main character”). Lisa was so busy learning lines for the show that she didn’t have time to learn about friendships as most people do in their teenage years.
I could identify with that. By the time I reached junior high and high school, I didn’t have many friends. Two of my friends were in public school; they didn’t get off the bus until 4 pm and usually had homework to do. My homeschooling friends around the block had moved to Colorado. And my best friend, who had been homeschooled, was now doing part-time courses at the local high school as well as distance education courses that required a lot of time. My friends became the characters in my novels until I reached university.
As Lisa talked, I found myself nodding and taking notes. She shared there’s a difference between being vulnerable and being transparent. It’s easy to be transparent when writing a book or a blog post or speaking to five thousand women at a conference; there’s an arms-length distance that makes it safe. It’s harder to be vulnerable when you are speaking one-on-one with a close friend, opening your heart to him or her—and risking getting hurt. I can think of only a couple people whom I’m truly vulnerable with; one is a friend who went through all four years of university with me.
Lisa went on to say that our hunger for connection is stronger than our fear of rejection. That’s easy to see in people who’ve suffered from a bad romantic relationship, yet start a new one right away. God created us to be in relationship, both with him and with each other; think about how He said in Genesis 2:18, “It’s not good that the human is alone. I will make him a helper that is perfect for him” (CEB). We’re still afraid of being alone; we still want someone who is “perfect” for us.
Lisa Welchel’s words touched a hole inside me that made me realize I still thirst for friendship—but I won’t get that by hiding myself. I need to reach out to my friends, even to my family, and to risk being vulnerable. I’ve come to realize that too often, I get busy with my writing, my routines, my daughters and I don’t make the time to connect with my friends. Clicking “like” on a Facebook status to show that I’m aware of what a friend is doing doesn’t count as connecting! My challenge to myself is to pick up the phone at least once a week to call a friend.
Can you relate to either my experience or Lisa’s? What friendship advice would you offer?
2 Comments
Midge – thanks for sharing your advice. That’s so true!
**In my experience — friendships ‘have to be’ a TWO way street. This means both people involved have to be vunerable (sometime or sometimes) during the relationship. Depending on circumstances this vunerablity is stronger with one or the other person and the friendship supports that.
1) When a friendship becomes ONE sided and transparent with only one person sharing, doing the work, always making the connection (phone/visiting/writing or more) the person carrying the load becomes tired, feels used, and questions the validity of — friendship. This can cause “major” frustration, stress, and loss of self-esteem.
2) When a “good….close” friendship makes you question: what happened and why the person is acting unusual, there is a valid reason —> given time that reason is generally presented.
a….if something personal is shared with a third party respect is lost. Avoidance and defensive remarks take place — that hurts but is also to be expected. The loss of trust never builds to the level it was before the incident IF it rebuilds at all.
b…if your friendship has been close and your friend distances you for an unknown reason give it time. One of my close friends stopped talking to me! After a few weeks she called and asked to go for a walk (like we’d done every day for years). During that walk she explained “I had to come to grips with my teenage daughters unwed pregnancy” “Now, I can share with you”. What a relief…..she appreciated my friendship and knew I would be there when she was able to reach out to me again.
c…I attended a stitching/sharing time once a week with the neighborhood ladies (friends) who were also moms of my kids friends. After a few weeks of attendance I chose to detach. I could NOT be part of a group whose (weekly) main purpose was to sitting around discussing, picking holes in, and literally putting down their husbands. I could NOT waste my time ‘choosing’ to come there prepared to be ‘negative’ about someone I loved. I could NOT continue spending a weekly afternoon with the group knowing I’d return home grumpy and out of sorts..instead of being built up in spirit.
d…Generational friends: are a ‘gift’ to be appreciated and treasured! As the Bible says — older women train up the younger ones. Young ones bring life to older ones. Life experiences can not be substituted in relationships. And thus we realize WE are important to the younger than us. And thus we realize We are important to the older than us. And thus we realize WE are important to the same age as us. Generational friends: are a ‘gift’ to be appreciated and treasure! from all angles.